I have, just as of this evening, come to a conclusion that friendship is an obligatory relationship much like love. As being the product of chemical reactions in one’s brain a commonality between love and friendship, so is the fact that to consummate friendship, one must enter a reciprocated state, one being described as a “two-way street”. Thus, it is further defined that one party is entitled to demand the same level of attention and affection as is given the other party.
Friendship should be in the highest form of mutual understanding, with the unwritten consent of both parties for equal manifestations of compassion, concern and commitment. I cannot be a friend to you unless you agree that you will be a friend to me. For as long as I find reason for you to be a friend to me, I cannot resign being a friend to you. This is one option friendship simply does not allow me to do. Thus I will continue to provide you with the services a friend gives, with all expectation that you will continue to do the same.
But with the way things are going on between us lately, I just might be forced to abandon this concept.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
...hate me...
i'm a sucker for good words in songs. as i am a lyricist by heart, sans the music, songs like this one never fail to catch my attention. and as i am a very generous person, i'd like to impart with you what this song wanted to say. should you find that you share my passion for intolerably sensitive and icky-ly mushy songs, well, this is one that'll tickle your lyrical palate. look for the mp3, or i can send it to you... hit me back.
HATE ME
Blue October
i have to block out thoughts of you so i won't lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i'm alone
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
an ounce of peace is all i want for you. will you never call again?
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
and will you never try to reach me? it is i that wanted space
Hate Me Today
Hate Me Tomorrow
Hate Me For All The Things I Didn't Do For You
Hate Me In Ways
Yeah, Ways Hard To Swallow
Hate Me So You Can Finally See What's Good For You
i'm sober now for three whole months; it's one accomplishment that you help me with
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i won't touch again
in a sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
so i'll drive so fucking far away that i never cross your mind
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate Me Today
Hate Me Tomorrow
Hate Me For All The Things I Didn't Do For You
Hate Me In Ways
Yeah, Ways Hard To Swallow
Hate Me So You Can Finally See What's Good For You
and with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
and like a baby boy i never was a man
until i saw your blue eyes crying and i held your face in my hand
and then i fell down yelling, "make it go away!"
just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be
and then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"
Hate Me Today
Hate Me Tomorrow
Hate Me For All The Things I Didn't Do For You
Hate Me In Ways
Yeah, Ways Hard To Swallow
Hate Me So You Can Finally See What's Good For You
For You
For You
For You
HATE ME
Blue October
i have to block out thoughts of you so i won't lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i'm alone
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
an ounce of peace is all i want for you. will you never call again?
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
and will you never try to reach me? it is i that wanted space
Hate Me Today
Hate Me Tomorrow
Hate Me For All The Things I Didn't Do For You
Hate Me In Ways
Yeah, Ways Hard To Swallow
Hate Me So You Can Finally See What's Good For You
i'm sober now for three whole months; it's one accomplishment that you help me with
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i won't touch again
in a sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
so i'll drive so fucking far away that i never cross your mind
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate Me Today
Hate Me Tomorrow
Hate Me For All The Things I Didn't Do For You
Hate Me In Ways
Yeah, Ways Hard To Swallow
Hate Me So You Can Finally See What's Good For You
and with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
and like a baby boy i never was a man
until i saw your blue eyes crying and i held your face in my hand
and then i fell down yelling, "make it go away!"
just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be
and then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"
Hate Me Today
Hate Me Tomorrow
Hate Me For All The Things I Didn't Do For You
Hate Me In Ways
Yeah, Ways Hard To Swallow
Hate Me So You Can Finally See What's Good For You
For You
For You
For You
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
...comfort zone...
How big a zone must I create to feel comfortable? And what shape must it take for it to function as it should? People I know almost always would tell me that they have already defined their comfort zone. It was only a matter of shyness on my part to ask if I was ever inside it. Not that I really cared. Nor did it really matter. I cannot really find use for some information I do not understand.
It’s a funny thing, this zone is. I imagine it to be an osmotic barrier, invisible though, but can only filter in one direction, with much difficulty at that. Things tend to pass through it by natural selection, and not by choice of those that created the barrier. It’s an emotional filter that brings the protected some level of security – emotional or otherwise – but at the same time provides immeasurable degrees of transparency. Friends come and go, not necessarily through that zone, but they do come and go. Family exhibits the same.
I asked a friend not long ago to shed light on her comfort zone for me, how big it is, what shape it has taken and who is in it. There was little convincing on her answer on what it was, or what’s inside it. However, it was definitely clear to me what was outside it. The absence of things gives more definition to their existence.
I do not know how big your comfort zone is, but it’s starting to feel like I’m outside of it. This chaos in my mind, this uncertainty in my feelings, this madness in my thoughts – all these make me think that I have gone at least an inch away from your borough. And being outside, we both have moments that are no longer ours, but separately yours and mine alone. Take me back in; let me bask in that comfort which you bring. If I must beg of you, then I will, if only to savor again the refuge I find with you next to me.
Or is it you who has gone outside of my comfort zone?
note: inspired by recent conversations with lysistrata (http://perfectlytarnished.blogspot.com)
It’s a funny thing, this zone is. I imagine it to be an osmotic barrier, invisible though, but can only filter in one direction, with much difficulty at that. Things tend to pass through it by natural selection, and not by choice of those that created the barrier. It’s an emotional filter that brings the protected some level of security – emotional or otherwise – but at the same time provides immeasurable degrees of transparency. Friends come and go, not necessarily through that zone, but they do come and go. Family exhibits the same.
I asked a friend not long ago to shed light on her comfort zone for me, how big it is, what shape it has taken and who is in it. There was little convincing on her answer on what it was, or what’s inside it. However, it was definitely clear to me what was outside it. The absence of things gives more definition to their existence.
I do not know how big your comfort zone is, but it’s starting to feel like I’m outside of it. This chaos in my mind, this uncertainty in my feelings, this madness in my thoughts – all these make me think that I have gone at least an inch away from your borough. And being outside, we both have moments that are no longer ours, but separately yours and mine alone. Take me back in; let me bask in that comfort which you bring. If I must beg of you, then I will, if only to savor again the refuge I find with you next to me.
Or is it you who has gone outside of my comfort zone?
note: inspired by recent conversations with lysistrata (http://perfectlytarnished.blogspot.com)
Monday, October 16, 2006
...surrender...
There is numbing pain that’s enveloping my heart. It’s a silent monster that creeps slowly, masked by a deep longing for you. And then it finally broke free, and every vein in my body ceases to respond. The heart is next.
You patiently tell me bedtime stories about how your life had been without me. My hand is clasped into yours as you slowly, yet unknowingly, attempt to break the battle that is waging inside of me. Like kids’ in a quarrel over whose turn it is on the swing, you push me off it. And as I lay half soaked in mud, this seething pain in me begins to unravel.
Words do not make dents anymore. And helpless as though I am looking up to you on that swing from the soft ground that I had fallen, you still are the angel in my eyes.
And heaven takes me. Or hell.
You patiently tell me bedtime stories about how your life had been without me. My hand is clasped into yours as you slowly, yet unknowingly, attempt to break the battle that is waging inside of me. Like kids’ in a quarrel over whose turn it is on the swing, you push me off it. And as I lay half soaked in mud, this seething pain in me begins to unravel.
Words do not make dents anymore. And helpless as though I am looking up to you on that swing from the soft ground that I had fallen, you still are the angel in my eyes.
And heaven takes me. Or hell.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
...linger...
Note: the following work of fiction is inspired by The Love Clinic with Dr. Love, Tom Alvarez, late nights on Monster Radio RX93.1
If you, if you could return,
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade…
Dear Dr. Love.
I am not wont to tell my story to someone other than who I dearly trust, but seeing as I am about to lose hope in finding the right thing to do, and as you are technically a stranger, I have decided, perhaps you can help me. I have, as they would say, a case of desperation. But don’t worry, Dr. Love, my story is a simple case of confusion. That is why I need you to tell me something - anything - that might help me straighten things out. I am sure you will help me, because if you can’t, then no one else can.
Dr. Love, my heart is split, but not exactly down the middle. A larger part of it is rooting for Larry. He is a dear friend whom I share a passion for. We started dating a few months back, and we both found a lot of common interests. Somewhere within those endless nights of being together under the moonlit sky, and of sleepless conversations, I fell for him. I had just come from a failed relationship with someone else, but after two years, I believe I am now ready for another. And Larry was it. He would, as the cliché-ic movie says, complete me, Dr. Love. Seriously. After five months or so of constant dating, I was eager for him to pop the question. I so wanted him to be my boyfriend.
It’s tearing me apart. it’s ruining everything.
I swore, I swore I would be true
But honey, so did you…
But then there is Derrek, the one who holds the other half of my split heart. A common friend introduced us at a party, and click was hardly the word to describe it. Dr. Love, we both felt like there was a whole lot of history behind the two of us, even though we talked for just a few hours that night. That first meeting was succeeded by another, and then another, and still another, until there were so many that I stopped counting. Derrek has this indelible charm that made me weak in the knees. If there was the “you complete me” movie dialogue for Larry, Derrek would definitely be the “you had me at hello” part.
So why are you holding her hand?
Is that the way we stand?
Dr. Love, this is where my confusion begins. I am standing at a pinnacle of decision-making. Larry just popped the question a few days ago, but to my surprise, I was mum. I couldn’t give him the answer I was so hoping to tell him before. I know I like him, a lot, and he loves me more than I can possibly love him. But my eyes are set on Derrek right now. And my emotions are screaming for him. If only I could possibly know what he is thinking. He would never give me any hints about his feelings for me, other than what I deem them to be. I fear, that I might be unreciprocated.
Dr. Love, I don’t want to lose Larry, but with my attitude lately, I might eventually. I am running out of excuses for not being able to go with him. I don’t want to continue dangling his hopes in front of him like an apple in front of a donkey. Soon he will tire, and that would break me. But I just can’t give in to him yet. Not with Derrek around. And he is like an addiction that I can’t find will to elude.
I am caught in between the one who loves me, and the one I desire. Please help me Dr. Love, to at least knock me into my senses. I would like to ask you for The Cranberries’ Linger as my love cure song. Thank you very much, and I do hope I find solace in you.
Yours Sincerely,
Sapphire
But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you.
You’ve got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to?
Do you have to let it linger?
If you, if you could return,
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade…
Dear Dr. Love.
I am not wont to tell my story to someone other than who I dearly trust, but seeing as I am about to lose hope in finding the right thing to do, and as you are technically a stranger, I have decided, perhaps you can help me. I have, as they would say, a case of desperation. But don’t worry, Dr. Love, my story is a simple case of confusion. That is why I need you to tell me something - anything - that might help me straighten things out. I am sure you will help me, because if you can’t, then no one else can.
Dr. Love, my heart is split, but not exactly down the middle. A larger part of it is rooting for Larry. He is a dear friend whom I share a passion for. We started dating a few months back, and we both found a lot of common interests. Somewhere within those endless nights of being together under the moonlit sky, and of sleepless conversations, I fell for him. I had just come from a failed relationship with someone else, but after two years, I believe I am now ready for another. And Larry was it. He would, as the cliché-ic movie says, complete me, Dr. Love. Seriously. After five months or so of constant dating, I was eager for him to pop the question. I so wanted him to be my boyfriend.
It’s tearing me apart. it’s ruining everything.
I swore, I swore I would be true
But honey, so did you…
But then there is Derrek, the one who holds the other half of my split heart. A common friend introduced us at a party, and click was hardly the word to describe it. Dr. Love, we both felt like there was a whole lot of history behind the two of us, even though we talked for just a few hours that night. That first meeting was succeeded by another, and then another, and still another, until there were so many that I stopped counting. Derrek has this indelible charm that made me weak in the knees. If there was the “you complete me” movie dialogue for Larry, Derrek would definitely be the “you had me at hello” part.
So why are you holding her hand?
Is that the way we stand?
Dr. Love, this is where my confusion begins. I am standing at a pinnacle of decision-making. Larry just popped the question a few days ago, but to my surprise, I was mum. I couldn’t give him the answer I was so hoping to tell him before. I know I like him, a lot, and he loves me more than I can possibly love him. But my eyes are set on Derrek right now. And my emotions are screaming for him. If only I could possibly know what he is thinking. He would never give me any hints about his feelings for me, other than what I deem them to be. I fear, that I might be unreciprocated.
Dr. Love, I don’t want to lose Larry, but with my attitude lately, I might eventually. I am running out of excuses for not being able to go with him. I don’t want to continue dangling his hopes in front of him like an apple in front of a donkey. Soon he will tire, and that would break me. But I just can’t give in to him yet. Not with Derrek around. And he is like an addiction that I can’t find will to elude.
I am caught in between the one who loves me, and the one I desire. Please help me Dr. Love, to at least knock me into my senses. I would like to ask you for The Cranberries’ Linger as my love cure song. Thank you very much, and I do hope I find solace in you.
Yours Sincerely,
Sapphire
But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you.
You’ve got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to?
Do you have to let it linger?
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