Sometimes all I need is someone to listen. No words. No sound. No anything audible. Sometimes when I want to vent out the enormous pressure that has built up inside my chest, the mouth is the only functioning appendage in my body, spewing words as they come from my thoughts. They need no response. They need no reply. Words of admonition or even praise hold no meaning at this time. Silence. That would be the best retort. Much like a volcano erupting, and man can only watch in awe from afar with cautious reflexes, I am only needing your patience.
These are the times there’s nothing you can say or do to make me feel better. Only when the gush of emotions have subsided inside me will I be fine. No amount of your language can provide any effective consequence.
I just need you to be there. Listening to me. Understanding me. Loving me. All in silence.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
...when it rains it pours...
I have to punish myself for always giving in to stupid clichés. But no words better describe what tumultuous times I am going through. It started this morning and would in all likelihood continue into the rest of my breathing days.
...sigh...
...deeper sigh...
i miss blogging... i wish the gods of literature send forth the rain of articulation on me...
...deeper sigh...
i miss blogging... i wish the gods of literature send forth the rain of articulation on me...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
...drive...
Part 2
Peter turned on the ignition key and his Honda City purred like a stirred kitty. His hands held the steering wheel, as he sits undecided if he should go or not. He fished his cell phone from his shirt pocket and opened the message inbox. “Are we still on for lunch today?” read the message from his wife. He glanced at his wristwatch and saw it was half an hour still before 11am, enough time to think about it. Peter replied with mixed hesitation, but mostly anticipation, “m sori hon, hav emergency miting at d ofc.” He bit his lips slightly as a breath of prayer slipped past his teeth.
Peter put his car in the first gear and pulled out from his parking lot, and out the exit gate.
___________________________________________________________________
Michelle placed the check she had just signed neatly under a pile of paper on her desk. She had been signing checks the whole morning and thought maybe lunch would be a good reprieve. Her watch said it was 10:36 in the morning so she took her cell phone from her purse to read a message that had just come in. it was from her husband, telling her how some meeting at the office made him unable to fetch her for lunch. She had anticipated this, as she would have been wont to do, since her husband is a very busy man.
Michelle picked up her desk phone and asked the building bellhop to get her a cab. She grabbed her purse, her jacket and hurriedly went out of her office room, and down the elevator to her waiting taxi.
___________________________________________________________________
Peter cruised smoothly on the highway; he wasn’t in a hurry. Traffic on Edsa seemed to be cooperating today, he thought, so there’s still a lot of time. He carefully opened his date planner and rechecked his scheduled activity for lunch. It said 11:30am, but he knew it was something they use to buy them some time together. An early lunch would mean two hours with her.
Peter steered the car towards Arnaiz Avenue and parked in front of a flower shop. He thought maybe for a change we’d surprise her with some Tulips. She likes tulips, and had hinted on him that she’d love to get some on her birthday. A few days ahead wouldn’t hurt, Peter thought, he’d still give her another bouquet of tulips then.
Peter saw through the glass doors of the shop a taxi almost sideswiping his parked car. He hurriedly went out and followed with his eyes, helplessly, the speeding cab. “Hey!” he shouted.
___________________________________________________________________
Michelle sat impatiently on the back seat of her taxi. She amused herself with mental notes on what the insides of this cab have, and lack. Frankly, it needs a makeover, she thought, but what can you expect from Philippine taxis. She felt uneasy being in the back; she felt uneasy riding cabs in general. The normally short drive from her office to Pasay Road seemed to take a lifetime today, what with the taxi driver being extra careful, as he had said in his just-listen-to-what-I-have-to-say chatter.
Michelle politely told the driver to speed up because she was in a hurry (to get off your stinky car, in her mind). Perhaps feeling insulted that his extra carefulness in driving wasn’t fully appreciated, the driver jerked the taxi to overtake on the right lane, with hardly an inch left in avoiding hitting a parked Honda. Michelle looked back through the taxi’s rear windshield to catch the receding image of the Honda’s owner and read his lips shout “Hey!”
Peter turned on the ignition key and his Honda City purred like a stirred kitty. His hands held the steering wheel, as he sits undecided if he should go or not. He fished his cell phone from his shirt pocket and opened the message inbox. “Are we still on for lunch today?” read the message from his wife. He glanced at his wristwatch and saw it was half an hour still before 11am, enough time to think about it. Peter replied with mixed hesitation, but mostly anticipation, “m sori hon, hav emergency miting at d ofc.” He bit his lips slightly as a breath of prayer slipped past his teeth.
Peter put his car in the first gear and pulled out from his parking lot, and out the exit gate.
___________________________________________________________________
Michelle placed the check she had just signed neatly under a pile of paper on her desk. She had been signing checks the whole morning and thought maybe lunch would be a good reprieve. Her watch said it was 10:36 in the morning so she took her cell phone from her purse to read a message that had just come in. it was from her husband, telling her how some meeting at the office made him unable to fetch her for lunch. She had anticipated this, as she would have been wont to do, since her husband is a very busy man.
Michelle picked up her desk phone and asked the building bellhop to get her a cab. She grabbed her purse, her jacket and hurriedly went out of her office room, and down the elevator to her waiting taxi.
___________________________________________________________________
Peter cruised smoothly on the highway; he wasn’t in a hurry. Traffic on Edsa seemed to be cooperating today, he thought, so there’s still a lot of time. He carefully opened his date planner and rechecked his scheduled activity for lunch. It said 11:30am, but he knew it was something they use to buy them some time together. An early lunch would mean two hours with her.
Peter steered the car towards Arnaiz Avenue and parked in front of a flower shop. He thought maybe for a change we’d surprise her with some Tulips. She likes tulips, and had hinted on him that she’d love to get some on her birthday. A few days ahead wouldn’t hurt, Peter thought, he’d still give her another bouquet of tulips then.
Peter saw through the glass doors of the shop a taxi almost sideswiping his parked car. He hurriedly went out and followed with his eyes, helplessly, the speeding cab. “Hey!” he shouted.
___________________________________________________________________
Michelle sat impatiently on the back seat of her taxi. She amused herself with mental notes on what the insides of this cab have, and lack. Frankly, it needs a makeover, she thought, but what can you expect from Philippine taxis. She felt uneasy being in the back; she felt uneasy riding cabs in general. The normally short drive from her office to Pasay Road seemed to take a lifetime today, what with the taxi driver being extra careful, as he had said in his just-listen-to-what-I-have-to-say chatter.
Michelle politely told the driver to speed up because she was in a hurry (to get off your stinky car, in her mind). Perhaps feeling insulted that his extra carefulness in driving wasn’t fully appreciated, the driver jerked the taxi to overtake on the right lane, with hardly an inch left in avoiding hitting a parked Honda. Michelle looked back through the taxi’s rear windshield to catch the receding image of the Honda’s owner and read his lips shout “Hey!”
Thursday, August 21, 2008
...drive...
PART 1
_________________________________________________________________
The brake lights on the white Nissan Sentra in front of him turned on, and Peter cautiously stepped on the brake pedal of his car. His Honda City came to a slow stop three cars away from the intersection as the traffic lights turned red on their street. Kalayaan avenue has surprisingly light traffic today, he reckoned to himself, as he checked his watch. It said 7:23 in the morning; twenty minutes had passed since he made the last turn going out of their village. It usually takes him 30 to get where he is now, at the corner of C5. A swarm of motorcycles pass him on both sides as they jockey for position in front of the stopped traffic. He was never fond of cycles, and shook his head as he watched more and more motorcycles pass him by. He thought that the lights stayed at red longer today than it did yesterday, and was suspecting that the day before the lights turned faster. Anything to amuse himself, he thought.
Peter took time to check his phone; perhaps a message or two would be there. None. Oh well, some days you get them, some days you don’t, he held this thought to himself. He thought of composing a message, if only to solicit a reply. He hesitated, and glanced at his wife asleep on the passenger seat next to him.
The cross traffic halted, and the lights on Peter’s street turned green. He shifted to first gear, slowly released the clutch pedal, and honked impatiently at the Nissan in front of him as he stepped on the pedal.
_________________________________________________________________
Michelle felt her seat shake a little, even shuddered, but decided that it wasn’t an earthquake. She was firmly aware of where she was, and from behind closed eyes she could make out the ghostly appearance of the large familiar billboard. She shifted in her seat, leaned some more on the glass pane of the passenger seat. Her seatbelt was pulling tightly on her chest, as if adding more pressure against her heavy breaths.
With much anticipation for getting out of that car, maybe because she felt uncomfortable sitting in such a confining space, or maybe because she just felt the air outside would be more comforting, Michelle looked out the window, her face hidden from her husband’s view. She watched as a white Nissan made a sudden right turn, and thought the driver was in the same hurry as her. She imagined that she was on that car, on the controls, and making that swerve.
Michelle pretended to sleep. Her husband was turning the radio stations, perhaps looking for a song familiar to him. She listened closely, trying to guess each station’s songs by the few tunes that she would hear. For some, she uttered dislikes, for most, she secretly wished her husband would hold the station longer. The station that her husband picked crooned, “…no matter what I do, it’s just a lifetime to live through…”
Michelle felt like Kalayaan Avenue was an endless road.
_________________________________________________________________
The seeming endless chatter of the radio’s more than opinionated DJ’s seem to bore Peter, so he decided to turn the dial. He didn’t really know which station to listen to, but just a station with more music, and less talk. He turned and turned until he found a song he never thought he’d like. Today was full of surprises, so he let himself listen. “…I try to smile so the hurt won’t show…”, sings the radio.
In his head, Peter reviewed his schedule for the day. He can never get it right the first time. Either there are cancellations, or a sudden change in plans would force him to move one appointment a few hours back, or totally forget to attend to them. Even in his mind, he was not certain of the day’s schedule so he reminded himself to check his planner at the next intersection. He wished that this time, the lights would stay red longer.
Peter stopped the City a few inches away from the zebra crossing. He watched for a moment as several people crossed in front of him. His wife was still motionless, and Peter decided against making a remark. He preferred to keep her asleep. She’s a lot peaceful that way. He reached in the backseat for his planner, careful not to rock the car so much so that his wife won’t wake. He looked for today’s page, and was surprised to see the item at 11:30 - Lunch with Michelle. Peter glanced at his wife, and a sly grin was pasted on his face.
_________________________________________________________________
The brake lights on the white Nissan Sentra in front of him turned on, and Peter cautiously stepped on the brake pedal of his car. His Honda City came to a slow stop three cars away from the intersection as the traffic lights turned red on their street. Kalayaan avenue has surprisingly light traffic today, he reckoned to himself, as he checked his watch. It said 7:23 in the morning; twenty minutes had passed since he made the last turn going out of their village. It usually takes him 30 to get where he is now, at the corner of C5. A swarm of motorcycles pass him on both sides as they jockey for position in front of the stopped traffic. He was never fond of cycles, and shook his head as he watched more and more motorcycles pass him by. He thought that the lights stayed at red longer today than it did yesterday, and was suspecting that the day before the lights turned faster. Anything to amuse himself, he thought.
Peter took time to check his phone; perhaps a message or two would be there. None. Oh well, some days you get them, some days you don’t, he held this thought to himself. He thought of composing a message, if only to solicit a reply. He hesitated, and glanced at his wife asleep on the passenger seat next to him.
The cross traffic halted, and the lights on Peter’s street turned green. He shifted to first gear, slowly released the clutch pedal, and honked impatiently at the Nissan in front of him as he stepped on the pedal.
_________________________________________________________________
Michelle felt her seat shake a little, even shuddered, but decided that it wasn’t an earthquake. She was firmly aware of where she was, and from behind closed eyes she could make out the ghostly appearance of the large familiar billboard. She shifted in her seat, leaned some more on the glass pane of the passenger seat. Her seatbelt was pulling tightly on her chest, as if adding more pressure against her heavy breaths.
With much anticipation for getting out of that car, maybe because she felt uncomfortable sitting in such a confining space, or maybe because she just felt the air outside would be more comforting, Michelle looked out the window, her face hidden from her husband’s view. She watched as a white Nissan made a sudden right turn, and thought the driver was in the same hurry as her. She imagined that she was on that car, on the controls, and making that swerve.
Michelle pretended to sleep. Her husband was turning the radio stations, perhaps looking for a song familiar to him. She listened closely, trying to guess each station’s songs by the few tunes that she would hear. For some, she uttered dislikes, for most, she secretly wished her husband would hold the station longer. The station that her husband picked crooned, “…no matter what I do, it’s just a lifetime to live through…”
Michelle felt like Kalayaan Avenue was an endless road.
_________________________________________________________________
The seeming endless chatter of the radio’s more than opinionated DJ’s seem to bore Peter, so he decided to turn the dial. He didn’t really know which station to listen to, but just a station with more music, and less talk. He turned and turned until he found a song he never thought he’d like. Today was full of surprises, so he let himself listen. “…I try to smile so the hurt won’t show…”, sings the radio.
In his head, Peter reviewed his schedule for the day. He can never get it right the first time. Either there are cancellations, or a sudden change in plans would force him to move one appointment a few hours back, or totally forget to attend to them. Even in his mind, he was not certain of the day’s schedule so he reminded himself to check his planner at the next intersection. He wished that this time, the lights would stay red longer.
Peter stopped the City a few inches away from the zebra crossing. He watched for a moment as several people crossed in front of him. His wife was still motionless, and Peter decided against making a remark. He preferred to keep her asleep. She’s a lot peaceful that way. He reached in the backseat for his planner, careful not to rock the car so much so that his wife won’t wake. He looked for today’s page, and was surprised to see the item at 11:30 - Lunch with Michelle. Peter glanced at his wife, and a sly grin was pasted on his face.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
...bottleneck...
Things have a way of getting themselves entangled in painfully frustrating bottlenecks. James is slowly becoming a swell of emotions as he looks through his glass of Talus, and sees Nikki’s smile develop into a blur. She is looking at a couple on the other table, seemingly observing them with an enchanting pair of deep-set eyes. He wondered what her thoughts were dwelling on, or perhaps if he was any part of them. From across the table, James straightened in his seat. He was ready to talk to her, if only he knew what to say.
Nikki smiled, and took a sip of her wine. James watched in detail as her lips parted to make way for the red liquid into her mouth. He wished that he were that glass, upon which Nikki’s lips were pressed. He imagined his lips in contact with hers. And how marvelous that would have felt. James took a sip of his own wine, and found sanity to calm him down.
“Would you like more wine?” the waiter politely interrupted their séance, and when the pair nodded, poured more of the red intoxicant into each of their glasses. It was a pinot noir, particularly chosen by James to try and impress Nikki, to which she was, and complimented him on his fine choice. Nikki said it was the smoothest wine she’s ever had, and James knew she was flattering him, because she didn’t have many. Nonetheless, she joked that she could finish a whole bottle with him, and James was pleased with the “with him” part.
“Why do you like me James?” she asked with a smile, the kind that expects a cajole. James was tempted to oblige, but seized the moment to cautiously unclog the emotions swelling up inside him, like a policeman directing traffic at a busy intersection.
“I don’t really know why, Nikki. I guess if I did, then that would mean I like you only for that thing. But I don’t.
I don’t like you for your smile, which surely melts me every time you give them to me.
I don’t like you for your eyes, which surely sees my soul no matter how deep I recede into myself.
I don’t like you for your touch, which sends me into the greatest ecstasy that I have ever known or will ever know in my life!”
James placed his wine glass to his right side, away from the center of the table. The red rose that was set on the small wooden vase complimented the glitter caused by the wine glass from the light overhead. Nikki’s eyes were glistening, because they were near tears. She didn’t expect a barrage of sweet words from James, and the way he had said them had her eyes filled with the exuberant tears of bliss.
James reached his left hand out in front of him. The table was wide, and Nikki met his hands halfway through. He gave her a light squeeze, gently telling her with his hand the rest of what he wanted to say. James looked straight into her eyes, and she nervously looked back. Nikki loves James, and up until now, she was the same swell of emotions that he is.
“I like you, Nikki, because you’re you. I like you for everything that is you. And everything that is you, makes everything that is me complete. And I would give everything that is me, to be forever in love with everything that is you, Nikki.”
James felt the alcohol and the adrenaline in his blood being pumped rigorously into his brains. He wondered for a moment if excessive mixtures of both cause cardiac arrests. His sight blurred for a second and his consciousness became hazy as he heard himself speak sincere words.
“It would be a great honor if you would have me in your life, Nikki; if you would take me as your boyfriend and you as my girlfriend…”
Nikki bit her lips softly, unsure of what words to use. She has in her head a conundrum about how she would respond. She wanted it to be special; she wanted James to feel that she too, is in a billow of emotions for him. With her right hand clutched in his left, and the disinhibitor called pinot noir that she had just taken, she decided there were no sweeter ways to tell James.
“Yes! I would love to have you in my life James, and it would be my honor too, as it is yours!” Nikki uttered in a single breath, chest tightening with the excitement of this new development. She heaved a contented sigh, and gave James the sweetest smile she could ever give, and James melted like butter on a hot day.
James stared into Nikki’s eyes with the look of a happy man, and she looked back at him full of anticipation for a new chapter in her life. They both emptied their glass of Talus, just as the check arrived.
The date was March 27. It has always been since.
Nikki smiled, and took a sip of her wine. James watched in detail as her lips parted to make way for the red liquid into her mouth. He wished that he were that glass, upon which Nikki’s lips were pressed. He imagined his lips in contact with hers. And how marvelous that would have felt. James took a sip of his own wine, and found sanity to calm him down.
“Would you like more wine?” the waiter politely interrupted their séance, and when the pair nodded, poured more of the red intoxicant into each of their glasses. It was a pinot noir, particularly chosen by James to try and impress Nikki, to which she was, and complimented him on his fine choice. Nikki said it was the smoothest wine she’s ever had, and James knew she was flattering him, because she didn’t have many. Nonetheless, she joked that she could finish a whole bottle with him, and James was pleased with the “with him” part.
“Why do you like me James?” she asked with a smile, the kind that expects a cajole. James was tempted to oblige, but seized the moment to cautiously unclog the emotions swelling up inside him, like a policeman directing traffic at a busy intersection.
“I don’t really know why, Nikki. I guess if I did, then that would mean I like you only for that thing. But I don’t.
I don’t like you for your smile, which surely melts me every time you give them to me.
I don’t like you for your eyes, which surely sees my soul no matter how deep I recede into myself.
I don’t like you for your touch, which sends me into the greatest ecstasy that I have ever known or will ever know in my life!”
James placed his wine glass to his right side, away from the center of the table. The red rose that was set on the small wooden vase complimented the glitter caused by the wine glass from the light overhead. Nikki’s eyes were glistening, because they were near tears. She didn’t expect a barrage of sweet words from James, and the way he had said them had her eyes filled with the exuberant tears of bliss.
James reached his left hand out in front of him. The table was wide, and Nikki met his hands halfway through. He gave her a light squeeze, gently telling her with his hand the rest of what he wanted to say. James looked straight into her eyes, and she nervously looked back. Nikki loves James, and up until now, she was the same swell of emotions that he is.
“I like you, Nikki, because you’re you. I like you for everything that is you. And everything that is you, makes everything that is me complete. And I would give everything that is me, to be forever in love with everything that is you, Nikki.”
James felt the alcohol and the adrenaline in his blood being pumped rigorously into his brains. He wondered for a moment if excessive mixtures of both cause cardiac arrests. His sight blurred for a second and his consciousness became hazy as he heard himself speak sincere words.
“It would be a great honor if you would have me in your life, Nikki; if you would take me as your boyfriend and you as my girlfriend…”
Nikki bit her lips softly, unsure of what words to use. She has in her head a conundrum about how she would respond. She wanted it to be special; she wanted James to feel that she too, is in a billow of emotions for him. With her right hand clutched in his left, and the disinhibitor called pinot noir that she had just taken, she decided there were no sweeter ways to tell James.
“Yes! I would love to have you in my life James, and it would be my honor too, as it is yours!” Nikki uttered in a single breath, chest tightening with the excitement of this new development. She heaved a contented sigh, and gave James the sweetest smile she could ever give, and James melted like butter on a hot day.
James stared into Nikki’s eyes with the look of a happy man, and she looked back at him full of anticipation for a new chapter in her life. They both emptied their glass of Talus, just as the check arrived.
The date was March 27. It has always been since.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
